$640 Million or Lotto Fever

The odds of winning are 175 million to 1. And, approximately a 5% chance that it won't be hit. Then the jackpot could rise to One Billion Dollars. That's a big number. Of course, 640 million tonight; or about 270 million after taxes would be nice.

Ok, gotta admit it, i'm in for Ten Bucks. Spending the next 8 hours dreaming about it; and talking about it with friends is well worth the money. Thinking about what i'm going to do with my winnings. I'd have to start with family/friends first.

I've always thought of myself in terms of service (retired military), and have resigned myself to the reality that i will always be an addictions counselor, that is, til death do me part. I love what i do, and feel called to do it. Of course, with that much money, i could open my own facility, or maybe just work a little less.

This is a brand new blog, with very few followers. However, if you've got a need for some extra-bucks, give me a shout-out, i'd love to share (after i'm rich :).  Life is good, keep moving forward!

motivation & the ants

motivation is a funny thing, and imparting it to others is somewhere between tricky and impossible. i think sharing recovery and hope is a wonderful first step, but actually (providing) insight is impossible. somehow, addicts just have to figure it out for themselves. don't get me wrong; early recovery education, relapse prevention, and wrap-around support (family and friends) is critical, but bottom line the addict needs to decide to stop.

i was out in the yard this morning preparing for my annual "war on the ants." definitely a good time to be considering and talking motivation. without that, they'd definitely win. my yard would be one big ant hill, and i'd have in residence, the largest queen-ant in the world. but i will not falter, and i will not fail. again, i meet them where they are (the ants) and am prepared for battle. there are infinitely more of them --- i'm wildly outnumbered. but, i have brains and motivation.

suppose that's what got me thinking about addiction this morning. addiction is not much different than those ants. always re-grouping for battle, becoming a bit more powerful each year, and always willing to put up a terrific battle ... if i relent. the week continues to creep by, and i wish for each of you the most beautiful of days. Never Quit.

PTSD & ME (Acceptance is The 1st Step)

Posttraumatic stress disorder is an anxiety disorder resulting from a traumatic event. A traumatic event is something that's happened to you that is horrible. During this event, you feel no control over what is happening. 

Anyone who has experienced one of these life-threatening events can develop PTSD. These events may include combat or military experience, exposure to human remains, terrorists attacks, sexual or physical abuse / assault, natural disasters, or a serious accident. Following the event, you may feel angry, scared or confused. If these feelings don't go away or they get worse, you may have PTSD. These symptoms can disrupt your life, and even make it nearly impossible to function. This may go on for years.

Symptoms include flashbacks, avoiding situations that remind you of event, feelings of hyper-arousal, or even just feeling numb(nothing). These symptoms often then lead to a host of problems including; relationship issues, feeling of despair/worthlessness, employment issues and even physical illness. It's not unusual for those suffering to turn to drugs and alcohol to relieve these symptoms.

While there are many approved therapies and medications, I've found it most helpful to share with others in group. Preferably those who've experienced similar traumas. That shared knowledge of horrendous events is somehow comforting. Knowing that I'm not alone, and that together we can get through. I hate being awake in the middle of the night, but I know that things are going to get better. I'm still here, and still moving forward.

what do you see, when you look in the mirror?

... regardless of the positive, wonderful aspects of our lives, still gotta be very careful with how we handle that image always looking back at us. what and how are we remembering? early in recovery, lots of mixed emotions still play out daily in our interactions with others, so how are we thinking of ourselves? most friends and family have long forgiven, almost forgotten our missteps, while we continue to beat ourselves up. so why? let go of all that pain and suffering. you deserve much more.

living in the moment, and being thankful for this time and place allow us the freedom to grow, and be who we are. what is our way of being in the world? are we capable of sharing unconditional love? you should know that research shows that sharing unconditional love changes the brains of those immediately around you. it's calming, as it allows others to be more receptive and open. kind of a natural and healing way of being, that all souls gravitate toward.

very early in this new blog, with so much to share. i've missed these moments, and am thankful to be back. wishing each and every one a beautiful day :)

recovery is a long series of small ...

but courageous steps. relapse is not / has never been the primary problem. the problem is that we can't get honest with ourselves, and those supporting us. the reasons are many, but generally seem to be focused on our own safety. if i disclose to you where i've been or what i've done, you may no longer care for me, or love me. i realize that's irrational thinking, but thinking irrationally is what addicts do best. believe me, i know.

group this morning was wonderful, and was so because of the honesty and courage of those within. what a joy this life is, and this time in my life is. i'd suggest that if you stumbled across this new blog, it wasn't by accident. we can, and do all learn from one another. if you're still using, and want to stop, please get help. people really do get better.

i wish for each of you the best sun-day of your life :)

perfectly where i need to be ...

Cocoa Beach

... and, as good as the first day of the conference way, today was even better. learned a lot about trauma, spirituality and recovery. spent most of the morning talking about the right hemisphere. described by my instructor as, "in the moment, and outside of space and time." wonderful discussion about unconscious minds communicating with each other. good example; when we get in the presence of someone at higher level of consciousness, our own minds reciprocate --- and we may begin to think more clearly, and be able to formulate solutions to some issues that may have earlier confounded us. interesting for sure.

the afternoon delved into ethics; and while normally dry, we had a lively discussion concerning a variety of pertinent topics in my chosen field. so thankful for the opportunity to spend some quality 1:1 time with some peers. we tend to get so busy in our own lives, that sometimes we lose sight of the valuable contributions / and available mentoring that is / could be provided by others. nothing easy about the helping professions, but rewarding beyond compare. so blessed to be able to share, and learn.

would like to leave my new blog-friends with a wonderful quote shared by instructor.  "if you could stay in faith (in the moment), you would never have conflict in your life." doc ccn.

wishing all a lovely saturday evening, where-ever you are :)

all day talking harm-reduction ...

... as the first day of the drug/alcohol conference was a smashing success. enjoyed the challenge of other perspectives, and enjoyed being reminded that every human being is different, and responds in different ways to treatment. our instructor assured us he wasn't there to advocate, but rather to give us options in the care we provide. this brings me much hope and a little peace to my heart. it helps me to remember that even though i may suffer multiple setbacks with some of my clients, there is always another way. we can never give up on each other. of course, a text in the middle of the day from one of my folks announcing "100 clean days" didn't hurt either...

home to a backyard in bloom. may be troubles out in this big old world, but they won't be on my mind this evening. i love my family, my work, and my life, and am grateful for every single moment of it. tomorrow it's a full day of ... ethics .... life is good :)

spreading hope & sharing joy

 i've been looking forward to this weekend for many months. i'll be attending a NAADAC conference, and spending the next two days with my peers, all substance abuse professionals. while these meetings are always full of new and exciting information, for me the true delight comes in the sharing of those ideas. the rooms will be full of hopeful, engaged people who spend their days out in the community spreading hope on a daily basis. what a treat to be part of those services.

the ride, route to get here has never been easy. many, crazy and destructive detours along the way. often it seemed despair would overwhelm, but sure enough even during the deepest desolation an angel would appear. maybe disguised as a friend or stranger, but always willing to help. so now it's my turn to give back, so i do. there are no promises, or sure things in this world, that's for sure. but, if we keep working, and keep the faith, things are going to turn out just fine.

group last evening was incredible. open and honest sharing of thoughts and feelings. stirring my soul in ways that at one point in my life seemed impossible. men and women down on their luck, and openly genuinely grateful for their breath. being a part of it was a miracle. throughout the years, i continue to move forward, and will never give up. yes, i'm "just passing through," but aren't we all?

i woke this morning to another blog spreading gratitude all over my computer screen. i'm so thankful for those who take the time to share. we are never alone. it's friday morning my friends. the sun is going to shine. my wish for you, is that this is the best day of your life.

"the med may keep you awake..." my doc

the poison oak invading my face is slowly receding. this morning i looked into the mirror and recognized myself. to be honest, any swollen face is disturbing to me for good reason. no matter why. so was a very good thing; running my fingers back over that same old familiar and bony nose, eyeballs re-emerging through the puffy cheeks.

it's 545 AM along the most eastern shore, and i've already been awake for nearly two hours. thinking positively, it's fun to re-connect with blogger, as i emotionally continue my dis-connection with facebook. and as each day passes, it becomes more evident that i can never go back to the social site. just too much distraction, and not enough time in my own head. alone is where i'm most comfortable, surrounded by family and closest friends. and at my age i need time to think & act a bit more frequently.

i'll pay this evening, for my long quiet morning. sitting quietly in group tonight, my mind will be wandering through the abyss of wonder. listening to others brings joy and sadness, but gloriously always brings feeling. it'll be tempered, and i'll quietly and lovingly respond. the group thinks i'm helping them, when surely no one is being served more fully than myself. life is wonderful, if i let it be.

my life is in transition. for the past year, my thoughts(heart and soul) have been in the sunshine with the body just waiting to go. now, creeping closer and closer to the reality of the permanent move makes me smile. will be some sad things about leaving, but life has prepared me well for loss, and moving on. life for me always seem to circle around, and come back to change. staying anywhere has always been hard, and now is no different.

wish i could go back to sleep, but instead will head to the forest. the morning never lets me down.

Poison Ivy, Key Lime Salt Water Taffy & Other Wonders of The World

The past couple of days have been fulfilling. Hard to say why I'm feeling so motivated, but may be chalked up to leaving facebook sixteen days ago. Suddenly I have time. Time to get busy, and take care of some real-life duties. I decided to start with some rogue hedges occupying the eastern end of our home. A row of green forty feet long, twelve feet high and eight feet wide. Professional landscapers estimated the job at two men for eight hours and $600. Now with all this time, I could save myself some money. Who says facebook is free?

So, Sunday morning I was out bright and early; worshiping a late winter's day and it's joyful sunshine. The hedges were intimidating. I needed a plan, and consulted my neighbor. Rather than go at the hedges from the front, I came from behind. A rear attack, with my long-handled pruning saw. Started low and worked my way up. Within a half-hour I'd not only completed trimming the first plant, but realized there were only eight to be done. They'd been growing for so long, and out of control, it'd seemed there were many more. So an hour turned into six, and soon enough I'd completed the pruning. Of course, there were also the vines. With small green, distinctly shaped leaves. Unfortunately my brain was not in outdoor mode, but rather still flat from a mild winter. With bare hands I'd removed the trimmings and vines that went with them.

Early Monday morning I awoke, and went out to the end of the house to admire my work. With the mulch down, I had to admit it was quite the professional looking job. I was very proud of myself and shared my pruning story with all who'd listen. After all, I couldn't post it on facebook. I'd taken a vow of abstinence.  By Tuesday, I'd noticed a rash on my forearms, and late that afternoon my boss asked what was the matter with my eyes. Straight to the mirror, seemed my entire face was swelling. This morning, waking up I appeared a pregnant chipmunk. My eyes were nearly swollen shut. I was thinking sunburn or allergy, still defiantly ignoring the obvious. My doctor knew better. Took him a quick glance to diagnose --- poison ivy; and provide a prescription. Now, just ten hours, two prednisone tablets, and four pieces of key lime salt water taffy, i feel much better.

Suppose the morale of the story is that with the right tools, and attitude, we can accomplish just about anything. Some may argue that the taffy is not a tool, or a wonder of the world, but I know better.